Hey everyone, I am sorry for my recent absence as of the last couple weeks. I have up and moved to Kansas to live with my boyfriend. Our plan was to move in May. But as I was not allowed to work for a few weeks and I needed help with everything we decided to move up our plan. So I made the huge trek from New York to Kansas. It was a very long and painful two day trip. But anyway once I get settled a little more I will resume writing
So I spent the weekend in the hospital. I worked a long shift on Friday and actually had to leave work because I was near tears with the pain in my foot and legs. On the way home the pain was so bad that I was sobbing. When I got home the pain continued even though I was off my feet. And then every muscle in my leg and left arm began to spasm. Which only intensified the pain. I was getting scared at this point and I telephoned my mom. She came home and tried medications for the pain and a muscle relaxer. I was able to get to sleep somehow.
When I woke up in the morning the pain was much worse and the spasms were still there. So it was off to the ER with me. I spent most of the day in the ER where they ran tests and x-rays. Tests were all fine except I had a slightly elevated white count. So they did admit me cause the pain and spasms were so bad. They loaded me up with pain meds and more muscle relaxers but it still took till Sunday for the spasms to calm down. Now that they were calm they were able to get me up and walking. However the muscles were so tired and weak from being a tensed up state for over 24 hours, and I had to have help walking. Currently I am home now. Still on pain meds and unable to walk with out a walker. Anyway I am very tired and weak still and there is more to share but maybe I will share those in a video later. Lol hospital diaper stories are always interesting. But I will save those for later. I want you all to be able to get involved and talk to each other. Have fun with it but keep it kind! So I added a forum! Feel free to post and talk to each other.
So last night I talked to a friend who has had bed wetting issues. He told me that he can stop drinking water at a certain time of night and he does not wet the bed. Great for him! But I am always curious if that would work for me. So last night I only drank 12 ounces of fluid before bed. It was just enough to wet my mouth and take my medications. I fell asleep in a dry diaper and slept through the whole night. When I woke up in the morning I checked my diaper. And sure enough it was very wet. I laughed, which is a good thing, I guess. I am not really hoping to get dry at night it is not really an option for me. As explained in my last post. But I just have to laugh that even when I try really hard I do not stay dry.
Just as a general update. I am looking forward to trying a few products that I have never tried before so I will be posting some reviews of them. Keep smiling and be happy, even if you are wet. Keep on finding the good in your life. Well there is a ton of snow outside so I am stuck at home today. So I thought I would just talk about a few things on my mind. First of I have had a lot of great time with my mom over the last few days. We have had the chance to really talk about some things. One of them being my Incontinence. She has always been saddened by the fact that I developed the incontinence after all that I have been through. She told me that she was heart broken that there was not a way to fix it. Well not one I am willing to do. And I was able to share with her why and how I am so at peace with it. So it was an all around great conversation. But I have to say I was watching a friends YouTube channel about her incontinence journey. It was good to sit with mom and have her hear about other people's struggles with it. My mom has often brought up that maybe surgery is a good option for me. There has been mention of several. Also the doctors have mention a lot of other options that I am not for. So here I am going to talk about the option that have been brought up and why I will not do them. The First one that was mention was using a catheter. The doctor felt that if I was catheterizing every few hours that I would have less accidents and maybe not be dependent on diapers. You see, I can not pee voluntarily at all. I have tried. I was on a timed voiding schedule for several months and it just did not work. So my doctor figured maybe try a catheter. I said no because since the Incontinence started I would get spasms somewhere in that area, every time they put a catheter in. Even if it was only for a few minutes. I would have the spasms for hours, and it hurt so bad. I could not go through this pain everyday several times a day. I would be house bound because I could not function at all. So I threw that one out as an option. The other ones that were mention either by friends or family were all surgeries. My friend suggested having a vesicostomy done. This is where they sew up the bladder neck and make an opening in your tummy to the bladder. You then have to put a catheter in to empty out the bladder. Which sounds well and good cause you no longer have the ability to pee from the urethra. But there is a down side to it. Usually you still have the feeling in your bladder so you know that you need to empty it out with the catheter. But for me my bladder has no feeling so... yeah not the best option. Plus you do still leak urine from the opening in your tummy. and thus have to wear some form of protection anyway. I just felt that this was not the best option for me. Here is a picture of what it looks like on the inside. So my second option that was mentioned, was a urostomy. I have to admit I was very against this surgery as it is very invasive to a body. Not only are they operating on the bladder but on the intestine as well. And surgeries on the intestine are never good for me. But anyway. With a urostomy they actually take the ureter and they route it through a small piece of bowel. They form a stoma on the outside of the abdomen. It looks much like a regular ostomy. But the equipment that you attach is what is different. This option terrified me cause I have lived with a bag before and I did not want to go back to it. My life with an ostomy was very problematic. Pictured below is what one looks like. So the third surgery, that was not mentioned by a doctor but I have heard about several times, was the Sacral Nerve Stimulator. This one sounded very interesting. I am not sure totally how it works, as I really have not researched it. But what I do know it that they put in a pace maker and use that to send electricity to the sacral nerves. I am not really sure how this controls the bladder but what ever. I have heard that it is a two surgery process that involves a temporary device and then a permanent device a while later. I have also hear there is only a 50/50 chance that this will work in each person. I do not have good odds so that worried me right there. Also I have no feeling at all in my bladder and I am not sure how it will work on a person who has no feeling. But the whole 50/50 chance really turned me away from this even as an option to discuss. This is a picture of the Sacral Nerve Stimulator. So in the end I choose the easiest option for me. And that was to do nothing surgical and to just use diapers. Every now and then I think about maybe I should do something to try and fix it, but in the end I always come back to the same conclusion. No I should not. I am living life well and have a routine down. So why change that? I will stick to my diapers and be happy and free.
One thing I wanted to say to all my readers is... Feel free to comment and ask questions or give input on my posts. I love feedback and discussion, So feel free! And until next time. I do not have a ton to say today. It has been a bit of a rough week for me. Not just for the incontinence either just a rough week.
One thing that did happen this week was actually at work. I was closing up with a co worker. She and I have talked medical stuff in the past so she knows I have some incontinence issues. But the other day she asked some questions about it. Like how severe it was and things like that. So I gave her a little bit more information on it. She wanted to know if I had to wear protection all the time. I told her I did. She then asked if I had to wear a full on diaper or not. I told her yes. She felt really bad about it. I went on to explain to her that I get kinda embarrassed at times about the diapers at work. We have to let them check our bags before we leave as a stealing prevention. So they have seen the diapers. She said that it is no big deal, that so many people have it. I have never had anyone say anything about it when they have checked my bags. So I am slowly not as embarrassed about it. Right now I am getting frustrated at myself for not making it to the potty to go poo. Sometimes I just deal with it and other times it makes me very upset. Lately it is the later. I woke up from a nap the other day and had a mess. I was mad because I was only asleep for a little while. I felt that I should have made it to the bathroom. And one other time a couple days ago I noticed I had to go, so I ran to the bathroom. Just as I shut the door It happened. I just burst into tears. It just defeated me. I cried for a while on the phone to my Boyfriend. He is so supportive of me though. He told me that it was ok that I did not make it. It just happens that way sometimes he said. Once I was done crying I cleaned up and went on with my night. So I do talk a lot about keeping a happy attitude and not letting it get you down. But once in a while it is okay to be upset about it. Things happen and life goes on. I try to not be sad or depressed about my accidents they are a part of my life. I just hate when they happen like it did the other day. So my motto today is keep you chin up because shit happens. We can't let Incontinence stop us. So many people are paralyzed by the fear of their incontinence. They stop having a social life or stop dating. Cowering in fear at home and defeated every time they go potty in their diaper. I know, I have been there. But we have to learn to take life on with the same carefree attitude that we did before we had the incontinence.
I know sometimes this seems impossible. The thought of living normal life in a diaper is not so easy or appealing. But it can be done. And yes there maybe a few embarrassing moments, But those make us so much stronger. So here are some tips and ways that I have started having a normal life. So one thing that will ease your mind is being well prepared when you go out. One of the things that I do to prepare, is to always have a bag packed. Just like we do with a child, you pack diapers, wipes, creams, powders and extra clothes. I do the same thing. For my everyday bag there is always at least two diapers packed in my purse. I use a messenger bag style purse cause it fits diapers perfectly. If I am having a day where I am going to be out for a long time then I pack more of the items I mentioned. For me my biggest fear and challenge was working. I was terrified that my co-workers would hear the diapers sound, or that they could smell when I was wet. I can smell it so I assume people around me can. I however have learned that this is not really the case. When I think I smell really bad I ask my mom, she says she has never smelled me, and that she would tell me if she did. That has settled my mind about the smell a bit. However I still make sure that I change when needed so it does not have a chance of smelling. I also was scared of work cause at my job when we leave we are supposed to check each other's bags. I work retail and it is just a preventative measure against stealing. So everyday I leave I have to show the manager that I have nothing in my bag. And yes this means the have to see that I carry diapers with me. I figured they would say something about it, but not one of them has. I have even had the bravery to tell a few of them about my condition and they are ok with it. When you go out for a party you just have to not care what people think about your condition. Just take the bull by the horns and have some fun. Prepare for the needs you may have, like changes and leaks. For me, I had to come to realize that to most people it does not matter that you are incontinent. If you are confident about it they will be confident as well. They will see that you are still the same person that they like to have fun with. You will not magically be standing in front of them in just a diaper all the sudden when you tell them or when they find out. Most adults understand and are fine with you and your incontinence. So just go out and have fun! |