So this post is kind of a continuance of the video. Lately I am having a lot of trouble controlling my bowel. I just can't seem to make it to the toilet. Either I run trying to make it there and don't and end up with a messy diaper or I just don't get enough warning at all and it just happens. Sometimes I do not even know I go until I smell it, and also I go in my sleep a lot.
I get myself down when this happens. I feel like I am a failure. I can't understand why I can't make it to the freaking toilet to poop. There are days when I do not even try. I get so tired of the pain that occurs when I do sit and go. I get pain in my legs as well as I just can't seem to get it all out in a sitting position. So there are days when I say "to hell with the toilet" Then I feel bad that I don't try. But I am much happier when I do not have to stress about getting there in time. I do not get the tummy ache that follows a not complete poop and I do not get the stress of not making it.
So when is it time to just give in and leave the toilet in the past? Is there ever a time? Having my boyfriend reassure me that he will support what ever I decide to do. He is even willing to help me clean up and change the diapers. But I don't want to rely on him for that. I want to be able to do it on my own. It is obviously easier when he can change it for me. I just have to lay there and role over. But still is that where I want to go? This week I have been sick and he decided to take over diaper duty to let me rest. It was a nice break I have to say. But is it really practical? I go through more diapers when I do use it for pooping, but is it worth the money to be free of the pain and stress? So that is my dilemma.